Archive for category Observations

Loss of Stories

May 9

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 12 Comments

Everyone has a story. Do you ever look at a person and wonder about his personal history? What experiences shaped this individual?

I am endlessly fascinated with personal stories, those based in reality. I’ve never been interested in fantasy or science-fiction genres. I’m quite narrow in my genre selection and prefer things that are true to life. Perhaps that’s an effect of my unimaginative ruler tendencies.

It may also be why I love StoryCorps on NPR. The audio broadcasts of just a few minutes tell stories of ordinary people interviewing each other. The tales always seem to evoke an emotional response in me from tears to awe. I realize that the broadcasts are edited versions of longer conversations, but it’s some amazing storytelling!

Ms. HalfEmpty at her wedding reception in 2009 with Ms. WhiteHouse (1918-2013)

Lately, we’ve had a few deaths in the family. One was a local relative who had some hilarious stories about her professional life in the White House. I’ve heard a few at family gatherings over the years, but I wanted to learn more. My plan was to interview Ms. WhiteHouse and write an article, but she preferred to remain private and declined.

Now Ms. WhiteHouse is gone along with her stories. The loss of stories is sad, but it’s also important to respect people’s wishes for their lives and stories.

Mr. HalfFull is a great storyteller and gregarious human who puts others at ease to tell their stories. Before his mom died, they discussed her life over wine. In vino veritas! (Perhaps I’ll have to use that interview technique someday, Mr. HalfFull.) Mr. HalfFull was able to learn about how she met her husband in her own words.

But he knows less about his dad’s perspective from those early years. In fact, he just learned that his dad’s football career at Dartmouth ended due to injury after listening to his sister’s podcast. It’s interesting how different siblings have various pieces of the story.

Perhaps you’ve grown tired of that one relative retelling the same life story each time you meet. But that repetition may help the story live on with you. Not everyone is a great storyteller; sometimes it can be tiresome to sit through the extraneous details and tangents. If only we all had StoryCorps editors to weave it into a concise, moving tale!

As people pass away, stories are lost forever. Perhaps we need to spend some time asking questions and listening while we can.

Are you interested in personal stories?
What’s your preferred genre for pleasure reading?
Do you listen to StoryCorps? Do you have a favorite episode?
How much do you know about your parents as young adults?
Is there someone you know whose story should be preserved?

Tags: death, family, interview, loss, Ms. WhiteHouse, NPR, story, StoryCorps, storyteller, wine

The Power of Organization

Apr 16

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 5 Comments

I’m a firm believer in organization — a place for everything and everything in its place. Perhaps that need for structure is part of my ruler tendencies. But how else would you find anything?

Mr. HalfFull finds my arranging and rearranging process quite humorous. If something new comes into the house, I have to find the perfect spot for it. This involves testing it out in different locations and assessing if it’s the right home. Sometimes it’s a cascade effect of moving other items to new locations. Mr. HalfFull just watches my shell game and laughs.

Organized Chaos?

I’m not sure anyone could classify this playroom as organized chaos.

I realize there are different forms of organization. Some people call their messes organized chaos. They claim they know exactly where things are in the rubble, but I’m not sure I buy it.

Although Steven Johnson, the author of Where Good Ideas Come From, claims you need this sort of disorder for innovation in his TED Talk (around 7:20). “This is the kind of chaotic environment where ideas were likely to come together.” Perhaps that’s why I’m not a Creator or an Explorer.

Tax Returns

I hope you filed your tax returns (or extensions) by now…otherwise you’re late!

Since I quit my job, I decided to tackle our taxes myself this year. It was my first time self-preparing joint taxes, so I had yet to fully experience Mr. HalfFull’s organizational system for documents.

Let my start by saying that Mr. HalfFull is not a messy person. If that were the case, we would probably need separate homes.

But Mr. HalfFull is not a filer; he’s more of a piler. So when I asked for various documents to support my tax return preparation, he simply referred me to his pile. Sometimes he even told me that he didn’t keep a particular document, so I made phone calls and waited on hold to verify information. But interestingly (or frustratingly) enough, I later found all the documents I needed…in his pile.

Project Pile

After I spent almost a full week on our tax returns, I decided to tackle Mr. HalfFull’s pile. I found statements from 2010 still unopened in their envelopes. In fact, I found a bunch of those from 2010 and started to wonder what I had been doing to him that year!

After thought and reorganization, the playroom is actually usable. Doesn’t it look inviting?

After three FULL days of organizing, I was finally done. My original plan was just to tackle the papers and create a filing system. But then I got ambitious, so I reorganized his entire closet. I got into stuff and memorabilia. I even moved his shoes.

On my final day of organization, Mr. HalfFull spent most of the day sick on the couch. So he was groggy and unprepared for all the changes. He was not happy when he saw his new closet!

I thought I had done this marvelous thing in organizing his closet. I honestly thought he would love it. I didn’t make changes frivolously, and I always did it with his needs in mind. I made things he uses regularly easy to access. I didn’t throw anything away without permission. I did a really good job and was hurt that it wasn’t valued or appreciated, especially after all the time invested.

But my real appreciation came a few days later.

Mr. HalfFull stored a credit card in a box in his closet and needed this particular card. I was asleep, so it wasn’t easy for him to ask me (without ending up with a grumpy wife). So he thought about my amazing organizational system and guessed where I would store it. My filing system was so intuitive that it was in the first place he looked!

I feel like that’s the highest praise for organization. Thought and good design up front makes the system work. My faith in the power of organization has been restored!

Do you believe that chaos creates an environment ripe for innovation?
Do you prepare your own tax returns?
Are you a filer or a piler?
Do you enjoy organization or is it a necessary evil?
Have you spent time doing what you thought was a good deed, only to have it rejected? Did time change the reaction?

Tags: chaos, creator, disorder, explorer, filer, filing system, innovation, mess, organization, piler, power, rearrange, ruler, tax return

Reconciling with the Ruler

Mar 17

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 6 Comments

Do you spend time reflecting on your personality? Do you take inventory of your values and how they align with your life?

As I continue my quest for passion, I find myself pondering these questions. I want my personality to be well suited to my next career path. Finding out who I am is a big part of figuring out what direction I should pursue.

As one of my friends’ noted, perhaps my passion is the quest for passion–the search for career happiness. I’ve read and listened to various people talk about their career paths online. I’ve even talked with real people in real life (strange, I know!) like Marcia Call. Marcia suggested that I take the Professional Values & Story Index (PVSI) to learn my story type.

According to the Storybranding Group,

…story typing can help us discover a path that seems most worth living to us—and the surest path to success and fulfillment is living the story we were born to tell.

This seemed right up my alley! I was very excited to find my archetype and let it help me shape a path. Perhaps this would be another clue on my journey.

Rulers come in various forms (flickr.com/Alan Alfaro)

So I took the test and got my result. Apparently, I’m a Ruler.

I was so disappointed. There are lots of cool archetypes, but I got the one that brings to mind medieval kings and draconian measures. I realize it’s possible to be a benevolent ruler like a leader, role model, or peacemaker. But that’s not my first impression.

I actually think my story type is quite accurate. I definitely had ruler tendencies as a kid. I started clubs; I was bossy; I didn’t trust other people to do our group work. But I don’t think I’ve been a ruler as an adult (…except with Mr. HalfFull, but he needs a ruler in his life!).

So if my story type is accurate, why am I so disappointed? I think it’s because I don’t admire the vision of a ruler I have in my head. Even the word sounds ominous to me. It seems undemocratic. It reminds me of a dictator.

But I think the real reason I’m disappointed is because I aspire to be something else. Even my parents have cool story types–one is an explorer and the other is an explorer/revolutionary. So how did they create a ruler? (In fact, they created two rulers!)

I wish I was a creator, explorer, revolutionary, or sage. Those seem cool to me. But instead, I’m a ruler.

Maybe that’s why my career transition is so difficult. Perhaps I’m searching for something that’s really not me. Perhaps I need to reconcile with the ruler in me, and instead seek to work with the archetypes I admire.

Which archetype are you?
Do you enjoy personality tests? Do you put much stock in them?
Do I seem like a ruler to you?
What do you think is a natural path for a ruler?

Tags: archetype, creator, explorer, passion, path, personality, revolutionary, ruler, sage, values

The Benefits of Marriage

Feb 4

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 11 Comments

Mr. HalfFull and Ms. HalfEmpty enjoy the sunset on their first day of marriage

As you’ve been watching various tax forms appear in your mailbox, perhaps the marriage penalty has come to mind. But even this half empty thinker knows there are some benefits to marriage!

One of those benefits is sharing food. (Of course it’s not the only or best benefit, but stick with me…)

I don’t cook. Of course, I could cook. But I don’t enjoy it. Perhaps it has to do with my affinity for order and cleanliness. Cooking seems awfully messy for my taste!

It looks like I learned something about cooking at some point in the 90s.

That isn’t to say that I never cooked. In high school, I got an A in Gourmet Foods. (I got A’s in everything, but that’s not the point!) We cooked and baked all sorts of things that I would never dream of making now. We made pumpkin pies from real pumpkins with crusts from scratch…ridiculous!

We even separated whole chickens. I don’t think I’ve ever purchased a whole chicken in my life. I realize it’s cheaper, but it seems impractical for a single person, especially one who doesn’t like dark meat.

Mr. HalfFull’s mockery of my high school Gourmet Foods binder

I’m lucky to have found a partner who enjoys cooking and grocery shopping. Knowing my dislike for the kitchen, he finds it terribly amusing that I still have my Gourmet Foods recipe binder from high school. He even made a label for the binder reading, “Ms. HalfEmpty’s A+ Recipe Binder, Circa 1995″ and constantly ribs me for my scores over 100% inside.

The first tab of my “A+ Recipe Binder” for Quick Breads showcases my more than perfect score. Ha!

Last weekend, Mr. HalfFull commented that I’m becoming quite the “microwave chef.” You may think that’s an oxymoron, but my usual microwave cooking involves a bag or a box that goes in the microwave, followed by me pushing a few buttons. Sometimes I even have to uncover and stir in the middle of cooking. What a process!

But when I was lauded as a microwave chef, it was far more complex and a creation of my own. Mr. HalfFull bought a plastic egg cooking container for the microwave. Some of you (like my mother) may be freaking out about plastic leaching chemicals in the microwave. But most of my self-prepared meals are in far less sturdy plastic containers, so it doesn’t phase me.

Don’t worry, I cracked the egg before I cooked it!

The egg container allows me to cook a fresh egg without additional oil or butter and without creating splatter on the stove! After cooking the egg with spices, I added it to bread and various cheeses, and stuck the concoction in the panini machine. Thus, earning the title microwave chef (even though I used two kitchen appliances)! Yes, it was delicious.

Since my cooking skills and desire are in the low to non-existent range, Mr. HalfFull and I enjoy eating out. This gives us the opportunity experience a benefit of marriage — being cute and sharing meals. It also affords us the chance to take more risks when ordering because we know we’ll have a fallback. When done correctly, it can also help us save money and eat appropriately sized portions (instead of restaurant-size portions) with variety.

But sometimes, we go all out. Like on New Year’s Eve, we went to one of our favorite local restaurants and each ordered the prix fixe tasting menu with a small plate, main plate, and sweet plate for each of us. So instead of a 3-course meal, we each got a 6-mini-course meal!

If you’re thinking about eating healthier and have a partner (married or not) to split with, check out the ideas in my meal sharing post for Northern Virginia Magazine.

Do you enjoy cooking? Did you always or did you grow into or out of it?
Does cooking an egg in the microwave make one a chef? =)
Do you share meals?

Tags: bake, benefits, binder, chef, chicken, cook, eating out, egg, food, Gourmet Foods, grocery shopping, kitchen, marriage, meals, mess, microwave, money, order, panini, plastic, portion, pumpkin pie, recipe, restaurant, sharing

I DO Have a Passion!

Jan 22

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 7 Comments

No, I didn’t wake up to discover that I have a passion for knitting. Actually, I tried knitting…when I was 8. But I certainly don’t love it.

In fact, my first (and only) knitting project was a total failure. I started an aqua colored scarf. Each twist of the needle was a slow process made so much more painful when observing my babysitter effortlessly knit row after row with speed and ease. Amazingly, she never even looked at her hands!

I felt some measure of accomplishment once I had a foot of my scarf done. I had earned that length with hard labor! I thought my scarf in progress was safe in the family room closest, but I was mistaken. Later, I found my scarf unraveled into a tangle of yarn with nary a stitch in sight. And so ended my foray into knitting.

Mr. HalfFull’s sister shows off her knitting project!

I was once again reminded of knitting during our Christmas travel. My 9-year-old niece was teaching my sister-in-law to knit. She was toiling away on her flat scarf, while my niece had moved onto a more complex pattern of knitting in a circle. I guess knitting is reserved for Mr. HalfFull’s side of the family.

Wow, that was a long tangent! But this post isn’t about knitting. It’s about passion. And as we’ve established, knitting is not my passion. Oh, if only it were that easy.

But apparently, I DO have a passion. I know that many of you have been following me on my Quest for Passion around the world. I was as disappointed as you not to find a path of certainly. All I found was a lifelong quest!

So perhaps you are wondering what this newfound passion could be. Even I am a bit incredulous typing those words, so let me explain.

I had lunch with a friend who suggested that my passion is seeking out my passion. At first, I stared back with a quizzical look as if to say, “How can THAT be a passion?” He pointed out that it’s the thing I think, write, and read about most. It’s the thing that I willingly explore and am excited to uncover. Isn’t that the definition of a passion?

It’s a new way of framing the idea. Apparently, my passion can’t be a single, simple, easy to understand thing like knitting. My passion is a quest; it’s the journey itself.

This passion led me to quit my job, and enter a place of insecurity and uncertainty. It’s not a comfortable place, but something drove me to it. My passion, perhaps?

I am excited and apprehensive about the exploration ahead. I love reading articles about career happiness. I love stories of how others successfully changed paths. And I have the same hopes for myself.

Ms. HalfEmpty sweats as she contemplates the deep lyrics of “Rhythm is a Dancer.”

As I was spinning away on my bike in RPM™ class, the song ”Rhythm is a Dancer” was playing through the speakers with this persistent refrain: ”Oooohhhh it’s a passion.” And it got me to thinking about my passion. Perhaps I should take a cue from the song and…

Let it control you hold you mold you

Not the old, the new, touch it, taste it

Free your soul let it invade you

Gotta to be what you wanna

Can one really be passionate about finding a passion?

Have you tried knitting? Was your attempt successful?
Has a friend helped you frame something differently?
Is this passion just semantics or helpful?

Tags: framing, journey, knitting, passion, quest, spinning

It Will Come

Dec 24

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 4 Comments

Bethlehem University in the Holy Land

Recently, I attend a viewing of a documentary called “Across the Divide.” The film tells the story of students attending Bethlehem University in the Middle East. It’s a Catholic school run by the De La Salle Christian brothers in a place where Christians are a minority and their movement is restricted.

The film project began when Salt + Light offered to create a promotional video for Bethlehem University. But while the film crew was on campus for a 3 or 4 day shoot, university administrators got a call informing them that one of their female students had been detained at an Israeli checkpoint. The tense situation turned a promo video into a filmmaker’s dream, and a documentary was born.

The documentary does a good job of representing the views of both Palestinians and Israelis. But it left me feeling less than hopeful about peace for the Middle East.

Brother Peter Bray, Vice Chancellor and CEO of Bethlehem University

Brother Peter Bray, the Vice Chancellor and CEO of Bethlehem University who spoke throughout the film, was also present at the Washington, DC viewing. He’s from New Zealand and has a charming Kiwi accent that I fell in love with while training for BodyFlow and traveling around his homeland last year.

After viewing “Across the Divide,” Peter Bray addressed the crowd. Even though I was named after a saint, I’m not religious. But I’ve heard my fair share of sermons, and this guy was compelling.

His moving message was that peace between the Palestinians and Israelis will come. He can’t visualize how peace can happen or how to get there, but he knows it will come. On its own, that message sounds like hokey misdirected hope and faith.

But he went on to cite the examples of Ireland, South Africa, and Germany — other countries with massive conflicts in the past that have peace today. At the times of the conflicts in those countries, peace didn’t seem possible. And yet, it arrived.

These concrete examples appealed to me as a person of fact and reason, rather than faith. His speech also made me think about my situation and how I can’t visualize my future. I’m still waiting for my vision. But if Peter Bray, who lives and works amidst the violence and chaos in the Middle East, is sure that peace will come, shouldn’t I have some hope that my path will come?

Have the words of an inspirational speaker convinced you of something that seems farfetched?
Do you think peace in the Middle East is possible?
Are you a person of faith or reason?

Tags: Across the Divide, Bethlehem University, Catholic, documentary, faith, future, hope, Israeli, Middle East, New Zealand, Palestinian, peace, Peter Bray, reason, Salt + Light, vision

Feedback Nourishes the Blogger’s Soul

Dec 11

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 7 Comments

Ms. HalfEmpty has found that jumping on skis gives you pretty quick feedback!

Bloggers love feedback. We’ve even been called comment whores. If a post appears in the blogosphere and no one is around to read it, was it even there?

Writing about my personal life in a public space is scary. I wonder what people will think of me and how they’ll react to my decisions. Will people think my trip around the world was extravagant and unnecessary? Will I be criticized for quitting my job?

By putting it all out there, I make myself vulnerable to feedback of all kinds. Fortunately, I’ve never received a nasty comment. But sometimes the lack of comments gives me pause. I wonder if anyone is reading. I wonder if I wrote a bad post. I wonder if I’m a bad writer.

I realize there are all sorts of benign reasons not to comment, but of course my mind loves to jump to the worst possible conclusions. So it’s been especially heartening when people email me privately about my posts. Here are a couple that made my heart sing:

AMAZING! Wow, that was insightful, enjoyable, and provided an awesome perspective.

Your latest blog entry was your best so far in my opinion. It was more of you… It gave and encouraged perspective…

Since I started writing about my life away from the corporate world, I’ve also gotten emails from others who echo my feelings and frustration with the work world. One was from a high school friend, who I lost touch with years ago after we went to different colleges.

I’ve been reading your blog, and just wanted to tell you that I’m in awe of your courage to stop working and pursue your passion. Your latest post particularly hit home for me…

It is so awesome to hear that my writing reaches people and resonates with them (and of course, I love knowing that I inspire awe). This email got me thinking about our shared high school background. We both took the hardest classes (Gifted & Talented or Advanced Placement) and did well. We were taught to excel. We were attached to outcomes. We were ambitious. This competitive culture often led to long hours of homework and a school/life imbalance. My friend is finding that same imbalance in her current work/life situation.

I certainly don’t have the answers, but I have tried to restore balance in my life. It’s a significant change from my academic days when I pushed through, worked harder, and willed things to happen. Now, I’ve taken a step back and am open to new possibilities. I’m trying to let things come to me, but it’s difficult after a life of planning and striving.

Perhaps I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist. I’ve been a perfectionist all my life, so I’m used to seeking the unattainable. Mr. HalfFull often reminds me that even though he loves his job as a teacher, most of it isn’t fun. But he endures it to get to those moments of bliss.

Maybe the experience of working at work we love is like marriage. We are enamored at first and then settle in. We become committed to the commitment we have made: most days average, some good, and a few that take us back to the beginning, reminding us of the inspiration that brought us to the point to be lucky enough to call most days average.

-Committed to the Commitment

Thank you dear readers for commenting, emailing, and just reading. I love your suggestions, insights, perspectives, and conversations. You feed my soul.

How much of your personal life do you share in public?
Do you seek out feedback?
Have you gotten feedback out of the blue that made your heart sing?
Do you believe that work is generally not fun?

Tags: balance, blog, comment, email, feedback, perfection, soul, work

The Libido Ice Cream Scandal

Dec 2

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | No Comments

Ice cream made kids smile in the 1940s too!

My husband took another woman out for ice cream. But it wasn’t just any ice cream. It was Libido flavor ice cream — his suggestion, of course.

You can read the full story here.

Do you love ice cream like Mr. HalfFull?
Is the name of Libido genius or scandalous?

Tags: ice cream, libido

Taking Back Control

Nov 1

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 10 Comments

My jobless summer of attempted spontaneity made it painfully obvious that something was missing. I wasn’t happy. (Just in case you’re wondering, I was probably still happier than if I had been working.) I had all this time and no plan. I needed some structure.

Even my dad, who retired a few weeks ago, asked me what I do with my days. Perhaps he wanted me to justify my lack of employment. But part of me wonders if he was asking for advice. Not working is a big change. We once spent our days commuting and sitting in an office. It took up the majority of our time. Now we are free.

Self Definition

But what are we free to do? How do we define ourselves in this new chapter?

Ms. HalfEmpty had no problem defining herself in preschool with all sorts of ridiculous garb. But now it’s a different story.

Especially in an area like DC, when people meet for the first time they ask what you do. It’s part of the customary introductory small talk, but it also helps to categorize people. We have expectations of people who do certain types of work — stereotypical ideas of what that person’s life might be like.

But where do I fit? I’m not retirement age. What do I do with my days? What should I be doing? I think there is an expectation that women in their 30s without children or major disabilities should work. They should contribute.

And I want to. I just want to do the right thing for me — something that excites and inspires me, something that allows me to meaningfully contribute, something that makes use of my talents. I don’t want to be another person clocking time in an office, letting the hours and years of my life pass by.

A friend recently sent me a tongue-in-cheek Washington Post article entitled, “How to completely, utterly destroy an employee’s work life.” This quote sums it up for me:

What we discovered is that the key factor you can use to make employees miserable on the job is to simply keep them from making progress in meaningful work.

People want to make a valuable contribution, and feel great when they make progress toward doing so. Knowing this progress principle is the first step to knowing how to destroy an employee’s work life.

-Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer

Time

I’ve realized that I now have time. I have more time than most people ever will. It’s a valuable gift. But it doesn’t mean I have time to do anything and everything. That would mean my time is worthless. I still decline offers that don’t value my time. My time is precious and mine to spend.

With endless options, deciding how to spend it (and not waste it) was daunting. But after my unstructured summer I learned that I crave a schedule. It can be a rough outline, but I need a framework.

Exercise

The first thing I did to recreate a schedule was to reincorporate exercise. It was a no brainer for me since I already belong to a gym with a fixed schedule of classes.

Ms. HalfEmpty launching BodyFlow™ Release 57 over the summer

I used to go to the gym each morning before work around 6 AM to take a group fitness class. But it seemed ridiculous to wake up that early when I was no longer working. I loved sleeping in and not worrying about staying up late.

Of course, my gym had later classes, but Mr. HalfFull wasn’t a member. I thought I should be home to spend time with him during his summer break, and perhaps exercise together. We did take long walks through the neighborhood occasionally, but summers in DC can be oppressively hot, discouraging outdoor activities.

Once Mr. HalfFull went back to work in August, I started going back to the gym. This became the anchor of my new schedule. I would workout for 1 or 2 hours a day. Plus, I got hired at my new gym to teach BodyFlow™ again. So during 2-5 of those weekly workout hours I was getting paid to exercise!

That time felt purposeful because I was doing something good for myself. Without this break from work, I never would have had the combined time and energy to devote an extra 12 hours per week to exercise. I was getting stronger and more fit! Plus the structure of group fitness classes appeals to my need for a schedule.

Coffee

Ms. HalfEmpty with lattes in a German biergarten. No she didn’t drink all of those herself!

I also got my caffeine intake back under control. I used to drink up to 4 coffees per day on workdays. I would drink one en route to the gym before 6 AM. My 2nd coffee would be consumed after breakfast. Sometimes I would have a 3rd coffee when I got to the office, and my 4th would be after lunch for my afternoon jolt.

These were not huge mugs full of coffee, so it wasn’t that bad. They were generally 6 ounce servings (whereas a cup is 8 ounces and a Starbucks Venti is 20 ounces). But now I’m down to 2 coffees per day — one with breakfast and one in the afternoon.

Coffee has transformed from something I needed to survive the work world to something I can enjoy. It’s wonderful to savor each sip!

Sleep

Ms. HalfEmpty enjoyed naps early and often on the 30/40 World Tour

I used to get headaches to varying degrees almost every afternoon at work. Now when I think I might be on the verge of a headache, I just take a nap. Napping in the middle of the week is so luxurious and feels a heck of a lot better than a headache!

I’m getting full nights of sleep (since I can wake naturally), and napping when tired. Sleep is certainly going well now that I am able to listen to my body’s sleep cues.

Transformation

I have the time to enjoy the world around me. I am able to savor sunny afternoons outside with a picnic or my laptop on a bench.

I now try to act out of desire and joy. In the past, I generally lived a life of obligation. I was the kid who never wanted to miss a day of school even if I was sick. I always did the thing I was supposed to do. But there comes a point when you are on such autopilot that you no longer want anything. You merely stay the course.

Another great benefit of not working in the afternoons is that I’ve been able to attend almost all my husband’s home games. I’ve felt connected to his team as I’ve watched them grow over the season. I got to be a part of their success as they finished the season with a championship!

People have commented that I smile more and seem happier since leaving my job. I don’t think that was true over the summer, but it is now. It’s a lot easier to be happy when you feel rested and unhurried by the pressures of the working world on a taxing commute with deadlines looming.

Mr. HalfFull has even commented that perhaps I have become Mrs. HalfFull (instead of Ms. HalfEmpty). Maybe I’m finally coming into my married name!

In our relationship, he has always been known for his humor, while I was more of the straight man. But now Mr. HalfFull is worried that I might be taking over his comedy domain. Hum…I’m not sure I could do standup comedy at the DC Improv like he did, but perhaps humor comes more naturally to those who are well rested.

More sleep, more exercise, less coffee, fewer headaches…sounds like not working is doing a body good! I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been. I’m still waiting for my vision, but at least I’m back to living the spaces in between.

Do you need a schedule?
How do you define yourself in quick introductions? Does it affect your self-image?
Are you the master of your time? How do you spend it? How would you like to spend it?
Have you found exercise, caffeine, and sleep to impact your well-being?
Have you noticed transformations in yourself? What prompted them?

Tags: coffee, comedy, exercise, fitness, framework, gym, happy, headache, healthy, humor, jobless, joy, nap, obligation, retirement, schedule, sleep, smile, spontaneous, structure, summer, time

Waiting for My Vision

Oct 26

Posted by Ms. HalfEmpty in Observations | 14 Comments

I left my job in May. I didn’t have a horrific boss and wasn’t forced to work long hours. Day-to-day things really weren’t that bad. So why did I quit?

It may sound idealistic, but I want to wake up and be excited to go to work. After two acquisitions, I was no longer in a corporate culture of my choosing; I wasn’t motivated to excel. I don’t want to work just to have a place to pass time and earn money.

Life at Work

Ms. HalfEmpty coding in a server room…at work, of course!

My degree is in computer science, but over the years it has become increasingly clear that it’s not my passion. I always got A’s in school and certainly have an aptitude for it, but the interest just isn’t there. I was never the girl who had a server farm in her basement, spending each evening coding my own side projects. In fact, I don’t think I would ever code for enjoyment.

In 2010, I stopped coding. I left my project as a software engineer and looked for other projects within the company. This was incredibly eye-opening.

I didn’t think it would be difficult to find a non-coding job. I had built a reputation as a solid employee. Surely, someone would want me on their team.

And they did…to code.

I would apply for job after job. But all the calls I got were for software engineering positions. My résumé had marked me as a software engineer, and no one wanted to hire me for anything else.

After a while, the phone interviews got a bit comical. A manager would call me and ask all sorts of detailed technical questions about frameworks and design patterns. After a few questions, I asked which job he was filling. Invariably, it would be the software engineering role, when I had applied for a different position on the same project.

Eventually, I did end up in a project management role, and later, a consulting role. I was grateful for the opportunities and did well, but still wasn’t inspired. I held out hope that there could be something more. But staying in the same environment wasn’t helping me get there.

When I announced my departure, everyone wanted to know what I was leaving to do. I didn’t have a good answer…or a plan.

Deciding to Leave

Ms. HalfEmpty had it rough as she napped around the world!

Quitting my job was scary. It was a lucrative career; I was the breadwinner of my household. Financially, I worried if things would work out. Without my regular income, I would be living off savings. I wondered how long that would be feasible.

But part of my assurance came from the 30/40 World Tour. Last year, I was on a Leave of Absence for 3 months with no income while traveling around the world. Plus, I was spending money to travel, while still maintaining mortgages and car payments back home. So that was reassuring and gave me a little more confidence to take the plunge.

Life After Work

I had a surprisingly rough time over the summer. At first, I was quite industrious. I started taking things apart in the house.

I spent more time on my home desktop computer, which is near the hall bathroom. This caused me to notice an intermittent drip from the toilet. It was so infrequent that it was hard to pinpoint. It didn’t occur immediately after flushing, and I could never see the actual drip. Eventually, I got fed up and decided to replace everything in the tank. I’ve replaced flappers, but never actually removed a toilet tank.

As a teacher, Mr. HalfFull was off for the summer, but he was taking grad school classes from 7-10 PM. Of course, I started this repair project while he was in class. At around 9 PM, I realized that I needed a hacksaw to shorten the new pipe. So I was done for the night. Upon his return, Mr. HalfFull was rather surprised to find his toilet in pieces on the floor!

Oh Ceiling Fan, your incessant ticks kept me up at night!

Then I tackled the ceiling fan in my bedroom. It started making an intermittent ticking noise that made it difficult to sleep because it was so irregular and nonrhythmic. The airflow in my bedroom isn’t that great, making the fan especially critical in the summer.

So I took it apart. Don’t worry, I put it back together too. And the noise stopped!

Then I noticed a dripping sound in the master bathroom toilet and decided to replace that one too. By then I was a pro, armed with a hacksaw and plumbers wrench ahead of time!

During this time, Mr. HalfFull became fearful of what he would find in pieces when he returned home. He was especially worried that his TV and stereo system would be disassembled with cords and cables all over the place. But his fear was unfounded!

Eventually, I ran out of projects around the house and wondered what I was supposed to do with myself. Since Mr. HalfFull was taking classes on a compressed summer schedule, he had papers to write every week. He seemed busy and productive. But what should I be doing?

I thought that being spontaneous and unscheduled would be wonderful. I was no longer stuck at a desk during business hours. But it wasn’t wonderful. I had no purpose. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing.

You may be reading this wondering how I could be so unhappy with a decision I made myself. I wasn’t laid off. I wasn’t fired. It was completely my decision to leave.

I was happy that I left, but it was hard to not know what I was going toward. I’m a planner. I’m practical. What the heck was I doing?

Vision of the Future

What is the nature of time? When will Ms. HalfEmpty’s vision come?

Over the summer, I read a book called Einstein’s Dreams about the nature of time. The short chapters each tell a fable based on a different theoretical flow of time — circular, captured, frozen, etc. One passage in particular spoke to me:

This is a world of changed plans, of sudden opportunities, of unexpected visions. For in this world, time flows not evenly but fitfully and, as consequence, people receive fitful glimpses of the future.

…

For those who have had their vision, this is a world of guaranteed success. Few projects are started that do not advance a career. Few trips are taken that do not lead to the city of destiny. Few friends are made who will not be friends in the future. Few passions are wasted.

For those who have not had their vision, this is a world of inactive suspense. How can one enroll in university without knowing one’s future occupation? How can one set up an apothecary on Marktgasse when a similar shop might do better on Spitalgasse? How can one make love to a man when he may not remain faithful? Such people sleep most of the day and wait for their vision to come.

-Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman

Without my vision, I spent much of the summer slumbering. Naps are divine, but I was using them as an escape. When you have no plan, it’s much easier to sleep than seize the day. It requires no planning, and you can’t fail.

But I really wanted that vision of my future. In fact, I still do. I want to know the right path for me. I want to know that my efforts are not wasted. I want to know the future.

Have you ever left a job without a fully defined plan? Why?
Have you made a career change? How did you reinvent yourself?
Have you been surprised by the emotional aftermath of a decision you willingly made for yourself?
What home repair projects have you tackled yourself? Did you take your household by surprise?
Have you had your vision?

Tags: career, computer science, consulting, corporate culture, fan, future, income, interview, job, money, nap, passion, plan, project management, purpose, time, toilet, vision, work

Half Empty for Now

...but trying to see it half full.